German Jokes!

What is the German word for constipation?
Farfrompoopin.

What's the difference between an English, a French and a German pensioner?T
he English one takes a Whisky and goes fishing.The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.


"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"


"What would you like sir?"
"Ein bloody steak."
"Well, do you want some f****** chips with it too?"


Germans make fast automobiles because anything that *doesn't* move fast enough in Germany is in danger of getting ground up into sausage.


Why are so many Germans born by C-section?Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?


How do you make a German chocolate cake?First, you occupy der kitchen.


Why didn't Hitler drink vodka?It made him mean.


Why do Germans have huge heads?Otherwise the mouth would not fit in!


Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.


I heard that now that germany was reunited they were thinking about getting a new name. Odd...Germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new name...GERMANY
Happiness is a German cook who doesn't.


One day Hitler decided to go to a psychic to find out what day he would die. After looking though her crystal ball, the psychic replied, "MeinFuhrer, you shall die on a Jewish Holiday." Hitler was shocked! He said, "Well which holiday is it?" The psychic replied "Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish Holiday."


After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.


How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.


Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.


A house, inhabited by a Greek on the ground level, an Italian on the first floor and a German on second floor, caught on fire. Who survived?The German. He was out practising marching.


Three guys are debating about which of their languages is themost pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word." The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful". "What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German...

A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms
Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner Die twatte mit ellplatzEstate
Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tires Flahttfarts
Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Accident Der Bledinmess
Garage Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White und Krunchen
Lines Overtaken
Automobile Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-sputtergefixer
Repair Bill Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
Truck Der Fukkengratentrucken


How many neo-nazis does it take to paper a wall?Only four, if you smash them really flat.


Have you heard of the new German microwave?It seats 25


The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for "fluffy."


A World War II pilot from Brooklyn was reminiscing before school children about a hairy dogfight he was involved in with German pilots. "The situation was looking grim," he said. "There I was, flying along, when all of a sudden I'm surrounded by them German fokkers. I look at three o'clock and there's two fokkers...I look at twelve o'clock, and there's two more fokkers coming toward me. I look behind me at six o'clock, and there's three more fokkers--" At this point, several of the children start giggling, and the teacher interrupts the pilot. "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the type of aircraft made by the German-Dutch aircraft company." "That's true enough, miss" says the pilot, "only these fokkers was Stukas!"


Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France?Germans like to march in the shade!


Vat, er, What did the German clockmaker say to theclock that went 'tick, tick, tick'?"Ve haff vays to make you tock!"


During ww2 two british pows get taken to german HQ for questioning. One is taken to another room. Very soon the following is heard. (in a loud voice). "You vill answer ze question!" followed by, slap! slap! thud! Brief period of silence, then "You vill answer ze question!" followed by, slap! slap! thud! again. Another brief period of silence, then "You vill answer ze question" followed by, slap! slap! thud!... "Und stop hitting me vile I amtalking to you!!"

German Translations
Dog: Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen- mechanikerwerkerMechanic's Union: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-mechanikerwerkerfeatherbedden-
gefixengruppeDoctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse: ChestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperHypodermic
Needle: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker- helperhurtensticker
Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper-hurtenstickerstabbenplatz
Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder- spinnenseat
Piano Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder- offengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-offengeshowenspellensnoozen- gruppenuppenwakers